When anxiety feels like you're failing

When I was struggling with anxiety, I found it hard to see how my anxious thoughts and feelings were affecting my family, my relationships, and my sense of self.

I felt like I was failing, at being a present and grounded mum; a calm, attentive wife and partner; the friend who would ‘check in’. I desperately wanted to give my family the best of me, but anxiety often consumed my attention.

I would dissociate during our weekly family movie nights, playdates, and school meetings. I felt anxious about anxiety taking over what were supposed to be ‘special moments’ which, of course, only made the anxiety stronger. (Those of you who know me will know that breaking these cycles is something I specialise in with my work with clients.)

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. I see this pattern often in my practice.

I sometimes describe it like a trifle. (Fellow millennials may now be picturing that Friends episode - the one with ‘beef sautéed with peas and onions’… or is that just me?)

The bottom layer is the anxiety itself; the thoughts, nervous system responses, and physical sensations. On top of that often sits guilt. Then shame. Then the ‘shoulds’, self-criticism, and low self-esteem. You get the idea.

The problem is that in order to get to the bottom layer, the real issue, we first have to gently remove everything that’s been piled on top. The shame, the guilt, and the frustration we feel with ourselves for being anxious in the first place.

So how do we begin to do that?

1. Understand what anxiety really is

Anxiety is not a choice. You didn’t decide to be anxious.

It’s a nervous system response, an internal alarm system firing on all cylinders. Often, it’s the result of something that needs care, processing, or support, rather than something that needs to be pushed away or fixed quickly.

2. Notice how extra layers make anxiety heavier

Anxiety on its own is already hard enough. When we add guilt, shame, frustration, and self-criticism, we’re effectively asking ourselves to carry even more weight.

Being anxious and angry with yourself for being anxious is exhausting. Softening those added layers can reduce the intensity of the anxiety underneath.

3. Acknowledge that you are human

When we’re anxious, dissociation often shows up for a reason. It’s a survival response.

When the amygdala perceives threat, the nervous system does what it’s designed to do- protect you! This isn’t because you don’t care about the people around you. It’s because the ‘lizard brain’, the most basic survival part of us, has taken the lead.

Understanding this can help replace self-blame with compassion.

4. Gently lower expectations

Guilt often grows out of what I sometimes call the SMOG words:

• I should

• I must

• I ought to

• I’ve got to

  
  

We feel guilty when we can’t meet the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, especially during seasons when anxiety feels overwhelming.

Where might you be able to take the pressure off right now? What could you give yourself permission to let go of, even temporarily?

If anxiety is making it hard to feel present, connected, or ‘enough’, please know this: it’s not a personal failing. It’s a nervous system asking for care.

You don’t need to strip away all the layers at once. Even beginning to notice them with kindness can be a powerful first step.

A Gentle Closing Thought

If you recognise yourself in any of this - the anxiety, the guilt, the pressure to be more present or to cope better, I want you to know that nothing here means you are broken or failing. It means your nervous system has been carrying a lot.

Anxiety doesn’t need more criticism or force. It needs understanding, compassion, and often support. When we start working with anxiety rather than fighting it, those layers can slowly soften, and it becomes easier to reconnect, with ourselves and with the people we care about.

Considering Therapy?

If you’re thinking about therapy but aren’t sure where to start, an introductory call can be a gentle first step. It’s a chance to talk about what’s been going on for you, ask questions, and get a feel for whether working together might be right for you, with no pressure or obligation.

If you’d like to book an intro call, then click here. You don’t need to have everything figured out we can start exactly where you are.