The real reason you fear the worst

Last month's blog focussed on why it can be so hard to think logically when you are anxious, despite knowing deep down that the chances of the things you are worried about ACTUALLY becoming reality are very slim.

The thing about fearing the future is that it very often isn't the worst case scenario event or situation you are scared of, its actually about your ability to handle it that causes the fear. It's the feeling that you wouldn’t survive it, that you’d be overwhelmed, broken, or unable to cope. The thought alone can feel unbearable, and so our minds race to try to prevent it at all costs.

Very often, what sits beneath fear is a quiet lack of trust, not in the world, but in ourselves. If I don’t believe I’ll know what to do, if I doubt my capacity to recover or adapt, then even small uncertainties start to feel like looming disasters.

This is something our nervous system learns over time. If we’ve been through moments in life that really did overwhelm us, times we felt lost, unsupported, or out of control, our bodies remember. The next time something uncertain appears on the horizon, that memory stirs, whispering, “You couldn’t handle it then, so you probably won’t now.”

But here’s what fear tends to forget: we did survive those times. Maybe not gracefully. Maybe we struggled, cried, froze, or felt broken. But somehow, we found a way through. We used our resources, inner and outer, even if we didn’t recognise them at the time.

Building self-trust is about slowly re-learning that truth. It’s recognising that coping doesn’t mean being calm, wise, or in control all the time. It means believing that, whatever happens, we can figure it out as we go. We can ask for help, adjust, stumble, and still make it through.

When we start to hold that belief, that “I can handle things as they come”, fear begins to soften. The unknown stops feeling like a cliff edge and starts to look more like open ground. Not easy, but survivable. And from that place, our sense of safety doesn’t depend on everything going right, it depends on trusting ourselves to meet whatever comes.

Practical exercise

Grab a pen and take a few minutes to write down all of the times you have overcome or survived something really hard - what does this tell you about your resilience and strength?

The fact is that fear will always try to convince us that safety lies in control, in making sure nothing ever goes wrong. But real safety often comes from something quieter: the deep knowing that, even when things don’t go to plan, you can meet life as it is.

Learning to trust yourself doesn’t happen overnight. It’s built through small, consistent moments, by noticing your strength, remembering what you’ve already survived, and speaking to yourself with the same reassurance you’d offer someone you love.

Each time you remind yourself, “I’ll find a way through,” you’re reshaping the old story that says you can’t cope. You’re proving, little by little, that you are capable, resourceful, and resilient, even when life feels uncertain.

---

If this message speaks to you, I’d love to share more reflections, practices, and gentle reminders to help you keep building that self-trust. You can join my Freedom from Fear newsletter a bi-weekly email designed to support you in feeling calmer, more grounded, and more confident in your ability to handle anxiety and whatever life throws your way.