We all struggle with low confidence sometimes, there might be a new opportunity at work or someone you find attractive that you've been meaning to talk to, or even a difficult family member that you need to have THAT conversation with. These situations can seem overwhelming, and that voice in your mind tells you that you'll mess up, you'll get it wrong or make things worse.
Questioning ourselves is a normal part of being human, its a defence mechanism to avoid pain or embarrassment and in a way it is a process for measuring risk, I mean if we felt confident that when we jumped off a cliff it would end well then what would stop us from doing it? Our brain tells us "hey, you jump off that high cliff and it won't end well" so we don't take the risk! Low confidence can actually be helpful at times.
BUT the chance is that you're reading this because for you it feels like more than a risk assessing process and more like a constant on-going battle of not feeling like you're enough, putting everyone else first and doubting every decision you make on a daily basis. If that sounds familiar then here are 5 things you can do to start the process of growing your sense of worth and self-esteem....
1) Give yourself a break
One of the greatest signs of low self-esteem is that nagging critical inner voice that tells you you're not doing well enough or that you've messed up. It's like a bully standing in front of you on a playground pointing out all of your insecurities. How can you act like a best friend and come to your own defence? What areas of your life are you doing well in or made progress in? Take these things and acknowledge them for yourself. Self-compassion, although difficult at first, gets easier with practice and letting yourself off the hook and realising that you are simply doing your best is one of the greatest things you can do to boost your self-esteem.
2) Set goals - realistic ones!
If you have something you want to achieve or make progress on be cautious of setting goals or making plans that would be impossible to accomplish. Very often a pattern can emerge where you set the goal so you feel like you are 'enough' but because it is unrealistic you don't achieve it which gives you a knock in confidence and proves to your mind that you are a 'failure'. This becomes a vicious cycle that can be very challenging to get free from. Instead think about breaking plans down into smaller chunks or using the 'S.M.A.R.T GOALS' method to make it more manageable, and make sure to notice the small achievements along the way.
3) Beware the company you keep
Who you spend your time with can have a huge impact on how you see yourself. If your friends and family are constantly pointing out your flaws or always telling you that you're not doing enough with your life it would make sense that you begin to feel that way about yourself! You might even have friends that seem to have it all together and you feel like you never match up to them, rather than inspiring you it makes you feel like rubbish. Take a step back and ask yourself the question, are the people I spend my time with encouraging and supporting me? Do they point out my strengths and achievements? If not then consider creating some boundaries in these relationships and remember, the negative things others may say about you or to you is very often their own insecurities being projected onto you!
4) Stop comparing
Following on from that last point, don't ever underestimate the power of comparison! We all know that famous quote "comparison is the theif of joy" and although cheesy, it is undoubtedly true. The minute we start comparing ourselves to others we will always feel 'less than' or unworthy in someway. Social media can have a huge part to play in this. Who are you following on instagram that just seems to 'have it all' and makes you feel like crap when you watch their 'perfect' life? I'll be honest, I'm a mum of 2 and I have definitely unfollowed other instagram influencer mums over the years that seem to have the perfect kids, perfect home and perfect cleaning routine, its simply not real life and doesn't help me to feel like I am doing a good job. Tune into those feelings and recognise that they are not helpful! Unfollow, unsubscribe and unplug if you need to! (Why not consider a social media fast for a while?! You can do it!)
5) Find your WHY
One of the most effective ways of boosting your self-esteem is taking the time to understand why it is low in the first place. None of us are born feeling like we are not enough, it is a learned behaviour very often rooted in childhood. It could be as a result of a critical parent or caregiver or a traumatic experience for example. Once we know WHY we are feeling a certain way we can understand it and overcome it. The best way to do this? Yep! You guessed it, COUNSELLING! Having a safe space with a qualified counsellor on a regular basis to process these feelings of low self-esteem and get to the root cause of why you feel this way in the first place can be life changing, it was for me and now I have the pleasure of helping my clients experience the same change.
Now of course there are other things that you can do to help grow your self-esteem but these are things that have helped me and my clients to start to feel like they are good enough and that they have so much to offer the world, and trust me, so do you!
To find out more about counselling sessions with me click here.